August 17, 2003

Re Re: E-mail From a Reader

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Sunday, August 17, 2003 9:57 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Perhaps one too many messages

Sorry about the day-long delay in my response; I wasn't feeling up to par yesterday. I wouldn't expect that you should feel any even momentary anger toward the man who came on to your fiancÚ. Anger applied to that sort of situation really does nothing to change the man's own natural instinct to react to a pretty girl. And why should it? The species has to be perpetuated somehow.

As far as what you wrote in regard to the IQ Test, I accepted a long time ago that inherently all are flawed. There is not a perfect measure of intelligence in existence. That understanding was lost easily enough when I had to discard my old number and replace it with a newer and much lower one. I gave this matter even more thought last night (which may have been giving it too much at that) and I determined that no matter what some test concludes about your IQ, you are always as smart as you are. Numbers don't adjust actuality, unless you want to open a discussion of self-concept, which I do believe does have an impact limited within the bounds your own personal potential. It is your potential that always remains the same. How well your brain functions can vary based upon how much sleep you've had, what you've ate, and what state your emotions are in, etc.

And no, I haven't found your writings to be didactic. Not that I am the final arbiter on how anyone comes across but myself. I am under the current impression that you give an honest assessment of the way things appear to you. There's nothing wrong with that.

Posted by CrystalShiloh at 10:16 AM

August 16, 2003

Re: E-mail From a Reader

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 2:30 AM
To: Crystal Pruitt
Subject: RE: Longer Message and zip I'm gone

Immediately I feel like there is quite a bit for me to cover. Hopefully once I start writing this sensation will fade away. Initially, the most striking comment in your email involves your curiosity over my intention(s). I am not totally sure what my intention is. When I come home from work I sometimes find myself bored, lonely, or unable to communicate with people in my house. I live with my fiance and two roommates. I used to party, which means alcohol and marijuana were once my consorts. Now I do not relish in such activities, but those who surround me do. So after a night at work, I come home and seek sanctuary. Being a social creature I desire communication, but sometimes I cannot discover any bond with my carousing housemates. This is how our initial encounter took place. I came home and could not find meaningful conversation with my immediate friends, so I sought out some online stranger. In my boredom I fused word after word together into a meaningless jumble of imagery, something that obviously annoyed you. Not seeking to bother anyone, I retreated. Somehow I found myself upon your webpage a day or two later, and I paid attention, analyzed the situation, and here we are now. I enjoy responding to things, I like receiving responses back. On numerous occasions something on your webpage created a desire within me to speak up and comment in some way, but due to our initial negative collision, I stayed back. Finally here I am, home from work, tired (yet not sleepy), and in search for something to entertain me. My fiance went to bed before I got home. My roommates are gone for the weekend, and the only irregular noise heard since my arrival was a cat shrieking outside. I went outside, despite thinking about all those loud voices during horror movies (the ones that scream, "don't go out there"), and looked for the (perhaps unfortunate) critter, but could not find any such creature. Otherwise I can hear the snoring of my dogs (they did manage to bark for a minute after the cat's loud cry), the air conditioner, and the drone of the fish tank.

About your website. What I find interesting about it is the fact that you manage to show some emotion and personality, all while not trying to do so. You simply write and let your thoughts flow and through your actions, thoughts, and "desires" a viewing portal into your (excuse the word) "soul" is opened. You are not obviously trying to be anything (cute, intelligent, boring, mean, funny, what-have-you), but you manage to evoke my mind's curiosity. I can picture things about you and make assumptions once these images are created. I feel like I can sense things circumspect to what you are actually writing. Maybe I'm just crazy... In addition, your commitment to posting further intensifies my desire to read your webpage. The fact that I can expect one, if not two, entries a day makes me want to check up on the site. A few years ago I used to read journals on certain WebPages and I tended to lose interest because people would not post frequently enough, or would overwhelm me with an abundance of messages. So far you've stayed in a nice median.

That I.Q. test is not accurate. (I scored a tad lower on this one that I have on past ones) This test was shorter than most and I felt that the questions were a little more repetitive (or rather similar) than many other tests. I don't think it covered a wide enough spectrum of cranial activity to truly judge anybody truthfully... Then again does any test? Over the years a few various tests entertained my mind for a spell here and there, and they all tell me about the same thing. They always say that I am well suited to handle logic puzzles and math, but that I should avoid English. Unfortunately my passion lies in English. Perhaps the struggles we embark upon are what makes it all worthwhile. Or maybe I'm blowing delusional smoke up my ass.

I imagine you receive many random online messages. That is a sad aspect of the world. For example: Yesterday my fiance and I went biking on the Mount Vernon trail and at one point I was ahead of her and a car passed her (this was during the portion that runs through Alexandria) and some old dirty man hollered, "Want to jump in for a ride?" By putting your name and email address out into the world, you are invited a large cluster of people into your virtual proximity. Women are treated so poorly in this society. Most guys likely see your picture and think, "She's attractive," and off they go spouting useless sexual innuendo. Some men only need to know that a person is female and disregard all thoughts regarding appearance. Between these two breeds I can't begin to imagine the inane shit you must put up with. That is why I am amazed you even bothered to read my message. I too want to be understood, perhaps that is why I contacted you. Another voice listening through the void that separates us all from each other.

I used to place my writings online (like you do or partially do on your other website)... I still sometimes email them to friends, but no one ever reads them, and if they do the comments are useless, nothing more than drivel... I'm on email lists with friends, but everyone is so slack about responding to each other. I formed a writing group and it dissolved due to unanimous laziness. Sometimes I want to get past all of this and communicate with others. That is likely why I wrote to you. I'm impressed by your ability to do things and the apparent desire within you to attempt things. Now I want to check out the National Arboretum. I did not even know the place existed, although in hindsight, I did assume that there would be something like it. At my old college I used to check out the various greenhouses to learn about the various plants. I imagine the D.C. Arboretum will blow such memories away.

I will end this; I believe I wrote a little more than I wanted to. Apparently my concern regarding the width of this e-mail's footprint was well founded!

To remark one last time about my intentions In Bob Dylan's words (most likely misconstrued): Too much of nothing makes a man ill at ease.

Now I just need to figure out how to start my own online journal. Take care.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 2:35 AM
To: Crystal Pruitt
Subject: RE: Quick Message and zip I'm gone

Oh, and please don't assume that I'm a good guy... I do believe that in today's society such labels must truly be earned before any labeling badge can be worn.

Then again I feel that the worst thing about today's society is that we are told as children not talk to strangers. We begin life in fear of others, fostering paranoia, and from there the inability to relate (for some) intensifies.

Regardless, I do promise to never place a razor into your apple or inject poison into candy... (Halloween lazily approaches)

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday August 16, 2003 2:37 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Longer Message and zip I'm gone

Before I read this you should see my latest entry. :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 2:40 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Quick Message and zip I'm gone

Has anyone ever told you that you're a beautiful malcontent?

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 3:25 AM
To: Crystal Pruitt
Subject: Never know what to put in this spot besides random debris

I must say no. Although I've been told that I'm a negative optimist. If that makes sense... I've been told that I want to much and that I am becoming "adult-like" after a long duration of childhood. I don't know, I'm mostly asked why I'm so quiet, which often leads to people asking me what I'm thinking, but hey if I'm so quiet, how can I tell you what I'm thinking without spoiling the silence? Please disregard the keyboard's clatter.

Hmm, I think my brain is beginning its shutdown process for the night... I don't mind you posting my email on your site, I suppose I feel surprised (and in some way honored) that you felt affected (perhaps that is not the correct
word) enough to allow my voice to intrude upon your Internet spot.

And I wonder if you noticed my "joke" tucked within my long E-mail? It was sort of masked (perhaps), but if you think about it, the "joke" is the most ridiculous part of the letter.

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 3:32 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Never know what to put in this spot besides random debris

Wait you can't go yet I'm almost done with my reply... ;) you've gotta read it, but I don't expect that you write me back until after you've had a long dose of sleep.

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 3:38 AM
To: 'Dave Turk'
Subject: RE: Longer Message and zip I'm gone

Wow, that was quite a bit to run through my parser. This was a quality response, definitely. I'm glad that you afforded me the time to write it. Intentions are a big thing with me; undoubtedly everyone has them whether they are cognizant of them or not. I just want to know if you, or anyone else who takes the first step into my life, is a good witch or a bad witch. I myself often lack reasons for doing the things I do most passionately. They're inexplicable by their very nature. I, like you, don't have many relationships beyond the one I have with my fiancÚ. Chatting online fills a void in my own social life without any "real" commitment. Reading this from you helps me to know where you were coming from. I was likely annoyed because it was late and you weren't making a lot of sense to me. I get over things like that fairly easily. In the future you should feel free to try another approach. Your comments are of course more than welcome. Andrew crashed almost as soon as we got back from bowling. I wasn't sleepy so I thought I'd finish up my entry from earlier. I've been listening to the constant drone of the archaic water-cooled air conditioning system and the sounds of my fingernails steadily tapping the keys.

I didn't think that you were crazy when I read that you try to visualize who I am based upon the information that I've provided you with, and even take that further and make predictions. I do that myself and I've found that those can be quite accurate. To be quite honest I write as much as I need to. I try to post something every day, but I know that realistically life comes up.

It is somewhat reassuring to hear someone else say that the IQ test isn't accurate. I don't specifically know what was wrong with it, but you're an exceptionally gifted writer.

Yes, I do receive many random online messages. I understand that by making myself available to those out there with similar questions to my own also invites many more who aren't looking for answers beyond my bra size. I agree with your assessment that, "women are treated poorly in this society." I believe that deep down everyone yearns for understanding. Only it's like one those cravings you can't quite place. You think perhaps it might be love and then after being scorned a few too many times you realize that wasn't it and you move on to eliminate the next potential thing. I think we spend a large portion of our lives in pursuit self-knowledge. The best way that I know of to attain this sort of insight is through someone else's eyes.

I can certainly relate to useless comments in relation to my own writings I have made available online. I mentioned in a recent entry that I hate apathetic people; well those are the kind you spoke of. I don't do anything unless I really want to be doing it. The Arboretum is well worth looking into. To start your own online journal your first stop might as well be Movable Type. That's what I'm using.

- CrystalShiloh

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 3:40 AM
To: Crystal Pruitt
Subject: RE: Never know what to put in this spot besides random debris

I am going to make myself a snack, my belly is rumbling. I definitely will wait for your reply, take your time. I did not mean to indicate that sleep was immediate, rather that soon my body would know slumber. And that my thoughts are becoming blurry as this psuedo-stasis becomes closer to reality...

On a related note... And to kill the time as I wait for my food to heat up. Yes it is a bagel. A big No-No for your diet plan. Tonight was incredibly surreal. I work as a waiter. I found myself telling coworkers that I felt like I was lost in a dream. Due to this surrealness I felt buffered from any potential anger (there are a million reasons to become irrate while serving), but damn I'm concerned about how weird my dreams will be after this night of bizarre happenstance.

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 3:48 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Never know what to put in this spot besides random debris

I am going to insist that you call your blog Beautiful Malcontent because I like it. I like it a lot and it suits you well.

I had soda earlier. My mouth feels yucky consequently. I thought I needed it to stay awake for bowling. That's why I'll still be awake (I at first typed this as "away", not "awake") for the rising of the sun.

I've done a stint as a server as well. I've been subject to the different ways that patrons can find to piss you off. Your dreams will probably be interesting if you have any at all.

- CrystalShiloh

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 4:02 AM
To: Crystal Pruitt
Subject: Perhaps one too many messages

Thank You for your response. I will reply to it another time if you don't mind, but actually this is in response to part of it. I felt no anger towards the man who hollered at my fiance. I feel that it's a shame that such things occur, but then again perhaps they should. One should not blame a lion for eating a rabbit. Nor should one fully blame a thief for stealing from your pocket. Nor should one become incensed over a pervert sharing his feelings. Perhaps it is a positive thing that he is able to share his inner "demons". Every living thing is trying to get by all while doing what feels right. I live next to this outrageously crude man who constantly calls his wife a bitch. He complains about his children, about his job, his life, and so on. He helps me with my car, all the while telling me not to get married. Constantly spouting off vulgarities as he speaks. The guy cracks me up, he is completely ridiculous, but he's getting by and finding something in it. And at heart he is a decent human being, despite his overwhelming (and often
obnoxious) personality. There is a layer of bullshit involved in his speech. We all enact certain constructs to protect us. In any event these constructs are our way of viewing the world and ultimately understanding ourselves. To fault the man for hollering at my lady-friend would be like faulting him for listening to Salsa when I happen to think Jazz is where its at. Or declaring that people who like Rap music are idiots, or saying that commerical music is complete rubbish. Yes I might think any of these things, but in truth who gives a fuck? Its all my idea of pursuing knowledge and understanding. Why? Maybe to actualize myself?

I too like Beautiful Malcontent, but I could never call myself beautiful, its too vain, yet I am not a modest person. I must pretend to be modest, while clandestinely being proud (nearly egocentric some might say).

The "joke" in my long E-mail involved a comment regarding the I.Q. test. I
wrote:

That I.Q. test is not accurate. (I scored a tad lower on this one that I have on past ones)

Which is ludicrous. My first basis for the test being flawed was that I scored lower on it. Like its effect upon my ego is truly any indication of its value. : ) I thought the comment was so irrational that it deserved a momentary nod of merit, thus I placed it into the letter. Why am I writing all of this? I can't say.

I have this fear that the only reason I wrote to you tonight was because of this biography on Joyce that I'm reading. I'm currently learning about his initial encounters with Yeats and it makes me want to communicate via letter with others, perhaps I'm easily influenced.


My writing to you doesn't sound "preachy" does it? I'd hate to come off like a jerk or a buffoon. Although you might say its in my nature, if you deem it so. :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 4:10 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Perhaps one too many messages

I'll come back to you on that. For now it's whatever dreams may await me. Good night.

Posted by CrystalShiloh at 11:56 AM

E-mail From a Reader

I appreciated receiving the following e-mail from Dave, a guy who apparently reads my site. I hope he isn't bothered when he sees this. I'm aiming for pleasantly surprised. I'd even settle for moderately surprised. If I get too many more messages like this I might handle them the same way and eventually create a category for them.

Admittedly, I did do some editing to my lengthier reply. In a couple of places I deemed my explanation insufficient and I had added one more comma than was necessary. Well, I *am* an English major, what do you expect?

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 1:19 AM
To: crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com
Subject: Quick Message and zip I'm gone

I wanted to apologize for IMing you a week (or so) ago. I wrote verbosely and then we concluded our dialog abruptly. Off and on I read your web page and I find it entertaining. I enjoyed that little emode test mentioned on your webpage, along with other various factoids, opinions, or daily tidbits that you present. It is my brief diversion from immediate reality. For that I say thank you. I sort of desire to start my own webpage, where I merge my writings, my thoughts, my journal, and whatever else together into a conglomeration. Such a thing might provide catharsis, for sometimes I require a way to deal with the chaos in my life. In any event, this is not your concern.

So let me conclude. Thank you for freely placing your thoughts onto my monitor. I regret the course our first and final (most likely) conversation took.

Perhaps this email hit the trash before it was opened. Who knows what people decide to peruse during these days of seemingly perpetual junk mail.

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 1:24 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Quick Message and zip I'm gone

I have a fan!! How cool :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Crystal Pruitt [mailto:crystal@chemicalbutterfly.com]
Sent: Saturday, August 16, 2003 1:45 AM
To: 'Dave'
Subject: RE: Quick Message and zip I'm gone

Ok, now for my more serious response:

I'm not sure what was said during our brief encounter or even of what nick I would have seen you go by. I can be very impatient (to get to the point) and unfortunately sometimes also intolerant (with someone that messaged me on-line that doesn't seem to have one of those). I encounter a lot of jerks and I haven't worked out a secret code yet to filter the good guys in. If I was short with you, I apologize. Maybe we can try to have another conversation on some other level if I somehow know that is your intention. I'm pleased to hear that you find my website entertaining, I often think that I'm... no, not boring... What word am I searching for? I give up, but I will say that affirmation is usually always good :). You know, that fucking test really had my panties in a knot (the counter-affirmation that it was lol). I don't really set out trying to be interesting; I do aim to be understood though. That's very important to me. I guess that's why I put it all out there. I hope you continue to enjoy my site for a long time to come. It's worth a try to set up your own webpage. I say that because it's a good way to organize oneself. It's easy to run a search and see where you are at with your goals, etc.

You're most welcome. I'd give it another shot before you relegate any hopes of further communication to the recycle bin.

- CrystalShiloh


Posted by CrystalShiloh at 02:37 AM